Sunday, June 6, 2010

Crazy Little Thing Called Life

I gotta be cool relax, get hip
Get on my track's
Take a back seat, hitch-hike
And take a long ride on my motor bike
Until I'm ready
Crazy little thing called
love life

I feel like I've not been myself of late. Or maybe I've been more like myself. I can't figure it out.

I've had some friendships fall by the wayside in the last my choice, the other her choice. The "my choice" loss had more of an effect on my daily life since it was a co-worker. We were cordial all year and no one looking in would know things were any different than they'd always been. But I knew. And she knew. And it was fine for the most part but I felt pretty left out of the inside jokes and Thursday night "Group Therapy" sessions that were held. It's o.k. The circumstances certainly warranted removing myself from the equation.

The other "split" felt more personal. And there have been ripples...more affected than just my friendship with this woman. She was part of a group of friends I made not long after we moved here. And now that summer is rolling around, I'm thinking of all the great times we've had getting together for happy hours, ball games, and other general merriment.

I guess this cuts deep because I'm just not a "girl's girl" and have always felt that I'm probably not a very good friend anyway. I don't call when I should. I have a terrible, terrible pattern of flaking of parties and such. So, having these two 'break-ups' merely serves as reinforcement of my long-term beliefs that I'm not a good girl-friend and have a hard time keeping and maintaining friendships with women.

The other factor in all this is the fact that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my family, my husband, and my home. My favorite place to be is here at my house. With my boys and Mr. Rix. I spent years go-go-going, feeling like I had to fill up every minute of my day and night. Mostly I felt that way when I wasn't working...I felt like I had to compensate by doing "stuff".

I have a good life that brings me much contentment and happiness. I'm having difficulty with outsiders and I'm isolating. I can't quite figure out if it's just a phase...should I FORCE myself out? Of course, whenever I do get out, I have a great time, it's just fighting the inertia that's a problem.

I dunno.

Freddie's never steered me wrong. Be cool. Relax.

If only I had a motorbike.


Anonymous said...

Don't forget the one you saved. That puts the odds back in your favor. ;>)

Anonymous said...

Ah yes the rippel effect. I think we know the same people as I had a similar experince with them.
I look at it as it is what it is and life goes one.
Best to you Rix

Jennifer said...

Glad to see someone is back to blogging! I've been neglecting it for too long.
The whole falling out thing is so weird. I had never had a falling out with an adult friend until this last year. It's really sad.
The whole Peoria Speaks fallout has been weird, maybe too many strong opinions and too much of a willingness to take offense. I know I can be guilty of both myself.
I think you are being too hard on yourself, friendship-wise. No one is perfect, and we all get busy in our everyday lives and occasionally neglect friends.