Friday, July 31, 2009

Advice?

I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. The relationship began about 18 months ago; it took an abusive turn almost immediately (he paid a cab driver to tell him if she took lots of men home).

I've distanced myself from my friend for a couple reasons. First, I don't want anything to do with her boyfriend. We had previously spent time together and had a great time. The FIRST time she called me to talk about his awful ways, I said get out. Each time she's taken him back and made excuses (as virtually all abused women and men do). I have continued to support her and offer her words of encouragement and advice. In part because she has a pre-teen son who has become attached to this man.

She most recently phoned me in the dead of night after having called the police because this man attempted to kill her and then violated her sexually. I heard her talk to the police and accept the information they gave her about domestic abuse.

I thought that this would be the end. But I've learned that it's not. She is still "in a relationship" with him.

So, I've kept my distance and I know she knows why. I don't answer her phone calls and I avoid her offers of getting together. I don't what her boyfriend to know anything about me. I believe he is a sociopath who has become more and more unpredictable, I want nothing to do with him.

I've been in abusive relationships myself. I know how difficult it is to remove one's self from the clutches of an abuser. I was her friend, adviser and supporter for nearly a year as she worked through her issues with him. I don't want to do that anymore. My words fall in deaf ears (of course). I have also talked to her about seeking help.

Do I tell my friend to lose my number until she loses her sex-addicted, physically abusive boyfriend? How can I make her understand that although I care about her and her son, I cannot be party to the drama because when I am, I worry about her well being and safety? I also need her to know that when she's completely ready to excise this monster from her life, I'll be the first one to help.

Does anyone out there have any words of wisdom?

17 comments:

Sarah said...

I was in a similar situation JIll. My good friend became involed with a man who was physically abusive would stalk her threaten her and threaten her kids. I had to distance myself b/c they lived around the corner fom me and to be honest I was scared about the saftey of my kids. I let her know what I was doing and that she could call me when he was out of her life but if she wasent willing to get the help she needed than that was her choice and I had to choose to do what was safest for my family. It was really hard and eventually he put her in the hospital and finally asked for my help. She understood and our friendship was even stronger b/c of it in the end. Good luck to your friend

Rix said...

Thanks for your insight, Sarah. I don't want my friend to think I've abandoned her. She's a smart woman and deserves to be in a happy healthy relationship.

Katie said...

I think that she will recognize herself if she reads this. I think that's all you need to do.

Further more...I think that you have been a great friend to this woman. There comes a point that you cannot continue the friendship because the toxicity is invading your life. And shame on her for expecting you to accept that. Sometimes it is just better to walk away.

Connie said...

Hi Jill,

This is a very hard one I have been the one in the relationship with an abuser. My daughter was too and still has many problems with the encounters with this creep as they share visitation of the child.
My advice for what it is worth is contact the center for prevention of abuse & go get her drag her there if you have to. They are a great help source and then you will really know you have done all that you can.
She is truly the only one that can stop this abuse.
I hope she will get help to stop this cycle.

Connie said...

I forgot to ask, does this friend have children in the home and are witnessing the abuse? My daughter was my courage to end my cycle.

[name removed by blog owner] said...

You have a lot of nerve speaking ur mind especially since u decided to rat [name removed] out for whatever u were pissed about maybe u need to go to AA for your shit.

[name removed by blog owner] said...

all of you need to realize that [rix] needs help with her drinking problem.

[name removed by blog owner] said...

I bet u will delete your post now since someone called you on your mouthy shit how dare you critize for [name removed] for all that she has done go get a job somewhere else you mouthy bitter bitch.

[name removed by blog owner] said...

dont be blinded by [*] she is a closet alcoholic.

[name removed by blog owner] said...

If your not going to talk to me any more, stop talking about me.

Katie said...

So I guess [name removed] is the person you were referring to? Holy cow! This person is a teacher, right?

[name removed]- Sentences begin with a capitol letter and require punctuation. Without it, it looks like the ramblings of an uneducated and unbalanced person. I wish you all the best.

rixie said...

Please note that I edited several comments in order to maintain the poster's anonymity. My intention was to gain some insight and advice. To my friend, I'm sorry to have upset you.

Peoria Anit-Pundit said...

So, anyone want to do lunch?

Themis said...

Wow, Rix. You're a bitter bitch too?

rixie said...

I don't think that either my bitterness or bitchiness will come as a shock to one single person.

Connie said...

Rix, is name removed the friend in need? I am so sorry if it is.

rixie said...

Yes it is/was. It's all good. People come in and out of our lives for a reason.